Sober

I remember the days leading up to the day my abuser finally decided to get sober. It was literally a week from hell of him drinking from the time he woke up til the time he passed out. Every night he would puke and every night I would take care of him and clean him up. He wet the bed a few nights before “sober day”. Sadly, that wasn’t unusual. Many times I would wake up to him soaking our bed and blankets while he just kept on snoring. Every time I cleaned it all up. Some nights, I was lucky and realized it happened from rolling over and feeling it before it got all over me. Other times, I’d wake up to it happening because it was soaking me because there was so much. I can honestly say....I do not miss that at all. This particular week was right before 4th of July. I had my kids that whole week. All 3 saw him drunk every day and had said a few things to me about it. Since my kids were there, he didn’t get too physical that week. He did shove and kick me a few times when they weren’t in the same room. On July 3rd, we were going to go see Fireworks that Bloomington does every year. He was so crabby all day. We stopped at his mom’s on the way because his sister was in town. We were outside with my 2 son’s, his mom and sister. He received a text from his cousin and I saw it when he opened it. It was a text responding to my abuser texting him awful things about me. My abuser knew I saw it and instead of me crying in front of everyone, I went to the bathroom. He followed me and came into bathroom yelling and verbally attacking me loud enough for everyone to hear. My boys heard it and it was first time he had gotten that brave to abuse me in front of my kids. He always waited til they weren’t there or wouldn’t see it or hear it. I was so mad my kids could hear and I was literally done! I wiped the tears from my eyes, walked out and told my kids we were leaving and I left my abuser there. I took my kids to the fireworks to meet my parents and other family. I tried so hard to enjoy it, but everyone could tell I was upset. I was thankful it got dark quick so I could hide my tears from everyone, but my boys knew I was crying. I was told later on that as soon as we left his mom’s, his mom & sister drove him to our house because they were upset with him. By the time we got home, he was passed out in our bed. The next morning, he woke up and apologized like normal. We got ready and headed to the parade to meet my parents. We had all 3 kids with us. He started a fight as soon as we got to parade. I was honest and told him I didn’t know if I wanted to try anymore because that week was it for me. He got mad and left the parade. I tried stopping him, but it became a scene, so I walked back to my family. I tried to enjoy the parade and day with my kids, but I kept worrying about what he was doing or where he was. He wasn’t home and wasn’t answering the phone. That night, I was heading out the house with the kids to go see the fireworks and he came stumbling up to the house. I asked if he was joining us and he said no. My oldest shared some not so nice words with him before getting in the car. If you know my oldest, he doesn’t usually confront people. I guess it was his breaking point too. We went and watched the fireworks and came home. He was passed out in bed. Once again, I was up all night taking care of him throwing up. The next morning, my oldest and I were starting to pack up my abuser’s stuff. It was the first time I was really done with my abuser. My abuser begged us not to. He begged me to take him back and promised he would stop drinking and stop abusing me. He talked with all 3 kids individually apologizing and asking for their forgiveness. He promised each of them he would never hurt their mom again and would treat her like she should be treated. Well we all know how much that promise held up. He did get sober and did it cold turkey. He said he had left parade and stopped at liquor store and then went to the park by our house. He sat there all day getting drunk and passed out in the trees until he came stumbling home that night. He said waking up in the trees and realizing the mess he was all week, made him want to get sober. Good for him honestly. I am proud of him for doing that and staying sober for a few years now. He still was physically abusive with me after becoming sober. It was less frequent, but I had my 6 month concussion he gave me while he was sober. The verbal and mental abuse was significantly more when he got sober. He used to say I needed to get over the abuse and stop holding onto the past. He would throw in my face frequently how he made all these changes for me and I didn’t appreciate them. What he didn’t understand is that every punch, kick or hit he did while sober brought back all the physical abuse he did over the years. It would ALL run thru my mind over and over for days after he would punch me, kick me, hit me, shove me, throw things at me even just once. So how can I get past it or let it go if it continued to happen!? He didn’t realize every time he verbally attacked me even with just 1 thing, it brought back ALL the awful things he said to me over the years as if it was said right then and there. Again, how can one get past something if it still happens!? The biggest thing he didn’t realize is what I sacrificed for him! I gave up good nights of sleep. I allowed him to treat me how I never want my kids to be treated by someone. I gave up family and friends who assumed or knew he was abusing me and they couldn’t be a part of it anymore. I gave up hanging out with friends and family many times because he had abused me and I couldn’t be around people. I allowed my kids to be in an unsafe environment. I allowed my kids to care about the monster who was destroying their mother piece by piece slowly. I sacrificed teaching my kids what real love and respect is in relationships, so they would carry it on with them. I sacrificed my belief’s and morals allowing him to do what he did and get away with it. I sacrificed any love I had for myself. I gave up being happy...truly happy! Most of all, I sacrificed ME...all of me inside and out and lost myself along the way. All for him! So wow good for my abuser for changing and getting sober and lessening the physical abuse for me! Someone please give that man a damn medal!

Today, I am feeling more free every day. I can’t remember the last time I missed any part of him which is amazing! I am slowly getting my pieces put back together, but there will always be cracks. Those cracks make me who I am today. I love who I’m becoming and it has brought amazing people into my life. I’m not ready to share all of what or who is giving me happiness, but I am ready to share I truly am happy. I am laughing like I haven’t laughed before. My face hurts from laughing so much with my kids, sisters and friends. I am smiling and it’s real smiles. I have enough Sprees candy to last me awhile thanks to someone. My kids are doing so amazing in school and life. My older 2 are in loving and respectful relationships and it is beautiful to see. I want to thank everyone who is in my life even ones who only message me. Every message, phone call or minute spent in person means more to me than you will ever know. Love you all!