This Is What Happy Feels Like
Updated: Aug 26, 2020
It’s been a little while since writing. Lots of things have been going on. Some I will write about and some I will wait on. All Happy Things! I moved my oldest to the house he is sharing with friends for college this school year. Our road trip was much needed. I had my 2 oldest in the car with me. If anyone knows me, I am a horrible driver. We had to stop for food for my daughter....surprise surprise right! This girl can eat and eat and not gain weight. So, we get her food and then put gas in my car. We get back on Highway and there is so much construction on this exit, we take the wrong way. Go several miles down to turn around and go right back to the exit we just got food and gas at. We do it again and take the same wrong way. This time, as we drive, my daughter says and points...”that’s where we need to get off.” Mind you, there is a construction barrier in our way. We are laughing at this point bc I have to go back all the way again to start over. We finally get it figured out, but have to tell the other 2 vehicles that were caravanning with us we will be about 40 min after them. We did finally make it there after our 2hr 10 min adventure of several laughs and yes tears bc this mom cries over all big events. Who turns a 90 min drive into over 2hrs!? We do! Since then, we have been getting ready to move my daughter to her dorm for college and my youngest ready for his 2 days in school and 3 days ELearning for his freshmen year of HS. Not having my 2 older ones around is going to be tough. We have been through a lot together and my 3 kids are the reason I push thru the bad days. We have grown stronger together the past few months! I am a Mama Bear and have always been the 1st to back them up on everything. To see they are the same for me has been incredible. They got their fierceness from me that is for sure. I still have my youngest to make me laugh and cuddle watching movies While the other 2 are away. Softball has been a huge part of me being happy as well. I have met and made lots of new friends at ball. I have strengthened existing friendships as well. It feels amazing to be at ball or do anything during my day for that matter and not worry about getting in trouble for socializing too much. Or, being able to stay and watch teams play and not need to leave right away. I’ve had people over to play games and sometimes drink without any drama. We rarely had people over during the almost 7yrs being together. He always blamed me for it. Truth was, when we did have more than just 1 or 2 over, he would get mad or there would be drama. I‘m an extrovert and need socializing and being able to surround myself with fun people has helped find myself again. I am finally not worrying about who I’m talking to, how close I’m standing by someone, afraid to give friends hugs hello or good bye, if I am being too smart assed to someone that I would get accused of flirting and being able to be me 100%! It feels amazing to hear from people who knew me before the abuse and who met me during the abuse both say that I carry myself differently now, I’m more relaxed, I’m truly happy and have a light shining bright. To hear people say the old me is finally coming back, but new and improved is fantastic. I feel free! My kids are happier and seem more relaxed. To have my kids tell me they haven’t seen me this happy are the best words ever! Do I still have bad days, absolutely!! Am I getting thru them stronger? HELL YES and even with some laughs!!!! It doesn’t mean I’m over it or fully healed. I honestly don’t believe someone can ever truly forget or fully heal. He took many pieces from me I will not get back and that’s ok. It has made me who I am today! I always asked why and what I did to deserve to be treated that way. I know the answer now! I didn’t do anything to deserve it, but it happened to me for a reason. It happened to me, so I could know exactly how it feels when helping someone else going thru abuse. The amount of people who have reached out saying they experienced similar things and my words made them feel less crazy has been overwhelming. I have been there for some who got the courage to leave, for some who are still stuck and need help getting the strength to leave and some who just need to hear more details of my experiences because their Abuser has said and done the same things word for word. I will always be there for anyone going thru abuse or who has survived abuse! I’m here for you if you need me. It has been 6 months since he left. I’ve had 2 slip ups and let him charm his way back into my life temporarily. I needed those slip ups to show me he will never change, that I did start falling out of love with him and the attraction wasn’t there anymore. I got my closure. I will never get all the questions answered that I thought I needed, but that is ok. I really don’t want to know them or care about the answers and that feels so good! Am I ready to date someone? I’ll be honest, I did start dating someone about 4 months back and I wasn’t ready. I self sabotaged and pushed him away after a few months. I’ve learned I can’t assume the worst if I am going to try and date. I need to trust what they say if there isn’t a good reason not to. I need to ask questions not accuse. I need to believe the amazing things they tell me are true and heartfelt. My besties and I have come to the conclusion I need to date a softball player ideally because they only understand how I can go sit and watch games all day or several nights a week purely for the love of the game and to support my friends. I play as well just not often. My best friends come and sit with me to watch bc they love the game too or my other best friends are who I am watching play. My happiness is also due to the group of people I surround myself with right now. My kids, parents, sisters, family, besties and good buddies accept my silly, dorky, smart-mouth self and love me during my worst moments. I know I am ready to open my heart for someone who deserves it! I am smiling, laughing, being silly and feeling a way I haven’t in a long time. I am happy and that is all that matters! It’s pretty damn amazing and I’ll leave it at that for now! Thank you to those who are a part of my happiness. I love you!