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Stumbled Upon An Old Draft In My Emails

Updated: Apr 18

I was cleaning out my emails because I had over 10,000. Sooooo if you ever email me other than on here, just know I don’t check that often. Text or call is best! 🤷🏻‍♀️ I stumbled upon an old draft from 3/23/2018 labeled Abuse. I do not remember writing the draft. I have no recollection possibly due to the concussion I had just suffered 6 weeks prior and was still suffering from Post Concussion Syndrome. It was really tough reading through this draft from 5.5 years ago me! I was starting to realize how bad my life was, but stuck and unable to leave. I feel so many emotions reading it. Too many “what if’s” and “I should have’s”, but I can’t change the past or go back and redo things. It’s crazy to think I stayed for about 2 more years after this draft I wrote. Makes me want to emphasize to anyone out there in an abusive situation to reach out to someone. You do NOT need to be the one embarrassed or ashamed. You do NOT deserve any abuse and you are NOT alone. I am here for anyone day or night even strangers. Life does get better and you can be happy without your abuser. You will find someone that will be patient with you healing from your past and love you unconditionally. I am the happiest I have been since each of my kids were born. I won’t lie and say it’s easy to leave your abuser, but it is better than staying and possibly dying by your abuser’s hands. I still struggle some days with PTSD, nightmares and self love, but PTSD flashbacks and nightmares get less frequent and self love does become possible. I do have my days where my anxiety overcomes me and I’m emotional for reasons unexplained or certain dates that were huge episodes of abuse. I do have days I still hate my body and how I look. I do have days I am full of life and energy. I do have days I am goofy and silly. I do have days I can look at myself and say I look beautiful. I take all those days good or bad because I have them. I could have been a story on the news as another girlfriend murdered by abusive boyfriend. I am lucky to have survived. I am lucky to have the people I have in my life making my daily life so much better. I do not blame anyone for not seeing I was abused. I don't blame anyone for not asking me if I'm ok. I blame HIM and only him! I am forgiving myself for staying so long slowly and I'll get there one day!

Here is the draft from 5.5 years ago…..

I need to write because I can’t tell anyone or go to anyone about this. It is hard to start anywhere when it comes to how I feel and what I’ve been thru. It started with me falling for a man that I would love more than anyone. Unfortunately he didn’t love me the same way. I was a trusting person heart was broken. There isn’t enough duct tape or super glue to put my heart back together. It will forever have missing pieces. I was so happy, but little did I know it was going to be short lived. I remember loving life and excited to be in a relationship. Then the abuse started. The 1st time was minimal a shove against the wall and it may have been worse, but his buddy stepped in and stopped it. My man then took off and disappeared the whole night saying he just went to the bar. As months went by, he would get drunk and the beatings would get worse. Choking, punching my head and any part of my body he could punch, kicking me all over my body, throwing me backwards against whatever was behind me. He even pissed on me. Sadly, the verbal abuse hurt me a lot worse long term. The bumps and bruises would go away, but the harsh hateful words always stayed. Any name you could say to a female I have been called it. Over 4 years we have been together and I keep allowing him to treat me this way. No respect for me or my body. NONE!!!  He really doesn’t have respect for anyone not even himself. His mom and sister say they know he loves me. I honestly don’t think he does. He views a relationship as a single person.  He will NEVER think about the other persons feelings when making decisions or doing something. But if it were me doing it to him I would have been beaten!!! He isn’t capable of NOT do something even knowing he would be hurt and angry if I did it. He only cares about how it benefits him. He blames me for his lies about how much he spends on weed and hiding things such as bottles of booze. He demands trust. Funniest shit I know. What a joke!!!! You earn trust by not lying even once after u do it the 1st time, but this guy does it countless times and demands trust. I’m the head case and psycho because I get hurt and cry over his lies physical abuse and verbal abuse. This guy even makes fun of the abuse he has done to me and the injuries I have gotten. Which brings me to today; 6 weeks ago he choked me leaving me unable to swallow without pain even today. He threw me so hard backwards onto the stairs banging my head over and over on them. The back of my head busted open bleeding everywhere and I got a bad concussion I am still dealing with. I am now diagnosed with Post Concussion Syndrome. I also need glasses because my vision got impaired in the beating. Today we had a fight because I had that gut feeling again that he was up to something.  and he was back doing pills. He stopped drinking 5 months ago, but he is high all day and night on weed. Now add pills and it makes it like he's drinking again! How can someone be so high and still so abusive? Has he made changes to be a better man since we met? Yes he has. Does that excuse him from repeating the things that hurt me and make me insecure or as he says psycho or head case? Hell no!!! Fuck that and fuck him for even thinking what he does to me is ok. The major issue is during fights or arguments he goes right to abuse. I have been told to give him space in arguments. I tried doing that and he still reacts the same damn way. I have choke marks on my neck as I write.  I can barely swallow and it hurts to turn my neck, touch it, or lay on it. I am in so much pain mentally and physically if I didn’t have kids I think I would just give up everything. Not suicidal, but I wouldn’t work, eat, or care about bills. I hate myself so much for allowing this man to tear me down to where I look in the mirror and all I see is a worthless fat ugly woman. So what do I do? Stay because I love him so much and be dumb again believing this time he will stop lying and won’t be abusive. Then, months later I am killed by him? Or laying in bed feeling the way I do right now?  Who am I kidding? He even admits he will keep doing whatever he wants. To me that is not a relationship. You give up the freedom to do whatever u want if it hurts the other person. We are different. I need to be able to say my feelings and get a resolution to an argument and he needs to just be alone and then act like it never happened. So the cycle will just keep repeating with me getting abused.He gets abusive even without arguing lately, too. It is like a switch flips out of nowhere. I don’t want any of our kids to think this is what love is. I left my husband because I wanted my kids to learn that u shouldn’t be with someone for wrong reasons. I really just want to go somewhere new and start a new life where no one knows me. I can’t because I have kids who I love and would never be out of their lives and I don’t want to be out of their lives. I am drowning. Keeping all this from everyone I know minus his family who know is so hard. Lying about how I get all these marks and injuries is killing me inside. I’m an honest person and terrible liar. How doesn’t anyone see thru it and help? I feel alone. I feel embarrassed. I have allowed this to go on more than 4 years. I’ll probably never leave. Ugggggghhhh just ish!

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