I have sat down and written a handful of blogs in the past few months, but deleted every single one. It feels good to write down my thoughts and feelings, even if they don't end up being public worthy. I started this blog beginning of October. It's taken me weeks of deleting parts, adding parts and finding the right words. October has become a special month to me because it is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Should we only focus on being kind and stopping abuse 1 month a year? Ummmm NO, but it is one step in the right direction acknowledging it and that has led to more and more people speaking out or leaving abusive situations. I couldn't imagine still being in that relationship now 2.5yrs free of it. I watched a Lifetime movie a several weeks ago where the husband choked the wife to death. The detectives talked about how she had no defensive wounds. One detective said it was because she thought he was going to let go, so she never fought him. That statement hit me hard! I absolutely didn't fight back or hurt him to get away because I always thought he would stop before it was too late. I can honestly say I do realize now that there could've came a time when he wouldn't have let go in time. The fact that he got worse and pushed the line farther each time, helped me come to that realization. I remember the last time he choked me like it happened yesterday! The police came to the door minutes after I became conscious again and barely got myself together while he hid in a bedroom on the floor like a coward. The officers said a neighbor called claiming a man choked me and I collapsed to the kitchen floor. They feared he killed me. I will never know what made my abuser stop that time. Maybe he saw the neighbors thru the window too. Maybe he saw flashing lights or heard sirens in the distance. Maybe he thought he killed me. I will never know because I fully passed out. I remember thinking...this is it...I'll never see my kids again.....then everything went black. I sent police away once again saying no one was in the house with me, I was fine and shut the door. They clearly saw the marks all over my face and neck. Even if they came inside and found him, I don't know if I would have lied in court to get him out of jail or not. What I do know is I forgave my abuser days later and I still can't figure out why I did over and over. I think it was the good moments we had that made me keep believing there was good in him and he could change. He was really good at getting me to forget just how bad each episode was. Why did I forgive so easily? I don't know because I wasn't the first girlfriend he beat and I definitely will not be the last. I do wonder what would've happened if one of the many times police came knocking on our door, I did tell the cops the truth. Would he have left me alone or come get me after getting out of jail like he did a few of his exes before who turned him in? Would he have been so enraged, he would've killed me? Would I have taken him back after he went through however long he would've been in prison if he was found guilty? All I know is I am lucky to be alive and I have lived every day since making the most out of every day, every situation and every moment.
I am a person that has always needed closure and answers. I really struggled with that 7 months ago. I thought closure had to come from the other person. I've learned with all I have faced the past 2.5 years, I can only give myself closure. If I wait for someone else to give it to me or answer my unanswered questions swirling around in my head, it probably won't be what I need to hear and definitely not good enough to get my closure. I learned battling within myself to get closure on many things the past few years has given me closure better than anyone else can. Blogging has been a big help getting closure for certain parts of the abuse I endured and for most other life events or obstacles I have come across. I may not publish them all, but writing them helps every time. I also have found coping methods that work better than others for my anxiety through trial and error. The one thing that has stayed consistent to help me through whatever life throws at me are my amazing kids, close friends and family! They are the best coping method I have. Most of the time I don't even need to say a word and they know exactly what to do or say. Laughter is the best medicine in life. Man do we laugh A LOT!!!!
I have successfully fought through battles to give myself the closure I need to move on, keep healing day after day and keep finding happiness in each day. I have not publicly written since my 2 year anniversary free from my abuser last February. I felt great after blogging about being 2 years free of abuse and thought I was really in a good place. A few days later, I found my anxiety was the highest it had been in a long time. There was good reason I had anxiety, #1 My 2 year anniversary away from the abuse triggered memories. Lots and lots of memories. I got angry that it still haunts me. I eventually turned that anger into power. I took control of my feelings and accepted the memories and saw it as a reminder. A reminder what I went through, who I was back then and the woman I am today! No matter how many times my abuser tries to ask people about me or contact me, I stay strong and realize he is the miserable one trying to keep in touch no matter how fake he portrays himself on social media or in public. #2 My overthinking in my relationship at that time (1st real relationship since abuse) ended up being justified causing our break up. No he didn't cheat. No he wasn't abusive. He had his own stuff going on which was not something I could be patient on for my own mental health. I realized after a few months of being single again, I ignored the red flags in him I said I never would. I don't regret that relationship because I learned so much from it and changed my standards. I learned I could let my walls down and start to care for someone else again. I learned that I will not allow myself to settle again just to have a man in my life. Two years ago, I was in the mind set that I needed to be in a relationship which led me to some not so great choices. I don't regret them because they were lessons learned. After my break up 7 months ago, I finally started being happy single. Took me a few months to even think about going on a date. I wasn't looking for anything serious. My standards were much higher now and I didn't have hardly any 2nd dates because of a small red flag that may not be fully red at all. Not fair to some of them as I'm sure they were not going to turn out like my abuser or recent ex. I had a lot of horrific 1st dates. Pretty comical for my friends because they loved hearing the stories. Between a few of my other friends and I, we could write a book about horrible dating stories. During all that, I still was happy being single. I was happy fighting through my inner battles to learn and grow. Then, a few months ago, I got hurt by a best friend who let not only me down, but a whole team down. Shocked, hurt, angry, sad and sick explains all I felt and still feel. I am not ready to discuss much more about that as I'm still dealing with it all. All I will say is I am more hurt by losing this person from my life than I was over my break up 7 months ago. Actions speak louder than a thousand apologies! Something many should live by!
To say it kindly, I have had some really hard times the past 7 months, but there have been many fun and amazing times. I went to Dallas with my team that is not just a team! They are my family!! The bond we gained all year and even more in Dallas was truly an amazing experience. Even when half of them think it's funny to jump out of nowhere and scare the crap out of me, I still love them! The massive injuries, not enough players, forfeit becoming our new fave word 😂, the many tik toks made, winning, losing and tying games we got through it all together. I went to Disney World little over a month ago with Eli and my parents. It was amazing and much needed. My kids give me such happiness. I know I did something right watching these 3 amazing humans kick ass at life! Eli was in his first school play this Fall and did amazing, he is in the musical this winter, running track again this Spring and still an A student. He works at my school and is so great with the kids. Haley is a full time student, made Dean's list, full time college athlete and lead K-Prep teacher. Her soccer team had a great season, she is playing like a beast and a huge leader for them. Kaleb is in his last year at college and started student teaching. He is on the Dean's list and got into Honor Society. He is also a leader in the marching band and has a solo in their show this year. I am my 3 kids' biggest fan! I can't get enough of them. As for me, I'm doing great and teaching the littles still with some pretty amazing coworkers. I also have someone in my life that treats me like a Queen each and every day. He has been there for me during my anxiety, after a night of nightmares or any other not perfect moments. The little things he does are so sweet and genuine. I find myself questioning why he does those amazing things for me and I have to keep reminding myself that he is not my abuser. I also find myself questioning how I deserve someone like him because he is the full package with not one of the red flags I promised myself I wouldn't be with again. I still have my days hearing my abuser's words making me see an ugly 300lb woman in the mirror. Not sure if that will ever go away completely, but it happens less than it did 2.5 years ago. I keep seeing my therapist every other week just to make sure I keep on the right positive path. I don't cry in my sessions anymore and actually laugh and enjoy them. I truly believe I found the perfect therapist for me. I had others in the past many years ago and never have I felt so comfortable and free to let go as I do with mine now. It's an amazing feeling. I want anyone reading this who is not fully happy in their lives no matter the reason to go speak to a therapist. Be honest in your sessions and you will find all areas of your life and all relationships in your life will improve. I am here for anyone who needs to just vent, take a walk, needs a hug or needs someone to help make them laugh. I do so much goofy shit, I make others laugh daily. I even laugh at myself. Anyone....strangers....friends....family...if you are in an abusive relationship, I am here for you however you need! I have found talking with others who went thru abuse helps me continue to heal as well. You need help out of an abusive situation I will be there! Please never be ashamed to ask anyone for help! It is not your fault. The abuser should be the ashamed one!
I want to end this blog saying, no one knows everyone's story. The waitress who gives bad service may have just came into work after being abused. The crazy driver who cut you off may be on the way to a family emergency. The friend who lashes out at you for no reason may have some internal battles going on. Be kind. Show empathy. Give forgiveness. 💜