I had always worried what my 5-year anniversary would feel like. If year two, three and four were so hard physically and mentally, year five was most likely going to be the hardest one yet! I will have to say that it is the easiest one to date! I have not publicly blogged since my last anniversary a year ago. I still blog privately about thoughts or situations I go through, but I have not felt the need to publicly let go of anything in a year. That feels AMAZING! Does this mean I am healed or just busy? I have said it before and I will say it again, I do not believe I will ever be fully healed. I believe I will keep healing. Abuse and the trauma it caused is something that will never fully leave me. If you break a plate into many pieces, no matter how much glue and pieces you pick up, there will always still be missing slivers of the plate. I lost slivers of me during my abuse. I am okay with that. It has made me who I am today. Do I thank my abuser? HELL NO! Who knows who I would be or where I would be today without ever going through what I went through for several years. I could have possibly been a much better person than I am today. A life without PTSD, overthinking, trust issues, anxiety, and all the other things I acquired from the abuse seems a lot more appealing. I cannot change it, so I have finally embraced it. Maybe that is why I have felt the freest from the abuse the past seven months. Instead of being angry at him and his actions, angry at myself, wondering what ifs, or thinking why me; I stopped being angry and dwelling on the what ifs and whys. I started to not just say it, but truly started to understand I am the only one who can control how I let it affect me, and how I choose to deal with it. This five-year milestone gives me hope because although I have been super busy the past year, I truly believe this anniversary is different because I am happy, my kids are the most amazing humans, I am constantly surrounded by genuine people and have been my most authentic silly and goofy self. I have gotten a few promotions in the last year in my career and made lifelong friendships through the company, Kaleb is back home teaching in MN, Haley had her last soccer season at CSP and started her Master's, and Eli graduated high school and started at UW-Eau Claire in Nursing. I can never say enough how truly blessed I am to have such a supportive family and the most amazing group of friends and softball community. The past seven months I have never felt so safe and free. Those around me have noticed my progress. My anxiety and overthinking have been very minimal. So minimal I almost forgot my anniversary was coming up until a week ago.
I want to talk about my five-year journey for a short bit. I had many ups and downs to get me to where I am today. The dating part I went on too many horrible first dates, got into two relationships with men who displayed the same characteristics as my abuser within five or six short months ultimately causing the end of the relationships. My third relationship, I thought I finally found a good one and made it past a year. He ended up having his own mental health issues and turned with a flip of a switch so unexpectedly. I went through phases while dating and between those relationships. One phase I wanted to just have fun no strings attached; another phase I wanted something real with a real man, and my most short-lived phase was not wanting to date or anything. Those three phases repeated over and over the past five years. I literally started to think my three failed relationships was me and my fault. My family and friends tried reassuring me it was not me and it was the men I chose. Part of me felt they just said that to make me feel better. I saw a quote by Ms. April Mason about six months ago and I had an AHA moment. The quote said, "A woman who does not know her worth, value and importance will always repeat her past experiences." Reading that quote hit me hard because I tried to act like I was strong and knew my worth. Deep down I was still battling self-love, and tried to get it from others thinking I would love myself if someone else did. Not the case. Self-love is only something you can give yourself. Seems obvious right!? Not so obvious to me until it was. I worked hard on myself, and my career and it paid off. I was happy and barely talking to anyone on dating apps. I was focused on me, and it felt so great! Not looking for anything and comfortably being alone, someone I had known for almost two decades let it be known he had crushed on me for years. Who knew him bringing me ice cream when I was sick would turn into what it is today. Can I say for sure he is my forever, or he will not turn out like the rest, no. I do not know the future, but what matters is how he treats me, and I am genuinely and completely happy for the first time in over a decade! I am grateful for however long we make each other our person. I can tell you right now, he has been the most refreshing man to come into my life. He makes me feel safe, he makes me see myself the way he sees me, he calms my overthinking with patience and reassurance, he makes my anxiety seem like a thing of the past by listening to my feelings, he shares his feelings and isn't afraid to tell me how much he loves me and why, and he embraces and participates in my dork moments and silliness. Now the me part, it has taken the five years to get me to truly be happy in myself. I am finally seeing what others see in me and say they adore and love about me. It feels good to see it and believe it. I am not perfect, but I am pretty darn funny, very loving, loyal, affectionate, adorable, beautiful, and smart. Self-growth has been huge for me the past seven months. Not being affected by this big anniversary is leaps and bounds ahead of where I thought I would be at this point. To be happy and laugh today on a huge anniversary from the most traumatic experiences that took place in my life speaks volumes on my growth. I have not shed one tear writing this blog and this is the first blog I can say that about. Five years ago, I could not go a few hours without a panic attack. Four years ago, I had high anxiety, and my overthinking was almost uncontrollable. Two and three years ago, I thought I was happy but truly was not happy in myself. One year ago, I still had anxiety and overthinking more than I wanted to admit. This year has really been a huge step in my healing. I want to thank myself for working so hard to get where I am today. I also want to thank my three kids, family, friends, coworkers, and softball community for helping me on this long healing journey of finding Dina. I will never be able to say, write or show how much I appreciate you all. I am here and who I am because of your love and support.
I want to share some facts for those who may not know how common Domestic Violence is. These are statistics for 2024:
*1 in 3 women and 1 in 10 men experience some form of physical violence by a partner in their lifetime.
*85% of domestic violence victims are women.
*Every day, nearly 3 women are killed by an intimate partner.
*Annually, domestic violence causes over 1500 deaths and 2 million injuries in the US.
*If a victim was strangled by their partner in the past, the risk of being killed by them increases tenfold.
*Only 1 in 5 domestic violence victims with physical injuries seek treatment.
*MOST domestic violence incidents are not reported. Only about 25% of physical assaults are reported to the police.
*October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and a purple ribbon symbolizes DV.
If you are being abused, please know you are not alone. You can survive without them. Your life will be better and healthier in all ways without them. You are strong and a survivor. You can start all over. You are worth every ounce of love a partner should give. You are of value. You are important and needed in this world. I am here to listen, tell you my experiences to show you are not alone. Please do not hesitate to reach out. I am here for anyone and everyone! I have answered every email and message I have received from people reaching out.
If you know someone that is being abused, be there for them. Listen to them. Support them and help them get strong enough to leave. Understand you telling them to leave will not get them to leave. They will leave when they want to leave, and they are ready to leave.
If you are an abuser, get help, and break the cycle!
I want to end my milestone year of self-growth and five-year anniversary with some quotes that I saw and helped me along my self growth journey the past few months.
"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our Lives." -Unknown
"Growth is freeing yourself from an abusive relationship and when you look them in the eyes and feel nothing. It's when what hurt you, no longer hurts you. It's when you are able to pick up your things and go to live your best life." -Unknown
Thank you for sharing you. I love you and am so proud of you!