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2 Years Freed

It’s crazy to think it has been 2 years since what I thought at the time was the worst day of my life and I had nothing, but really it was one of the best days of my life and I have everything I need! 2 years seems like forever ago, but also feels like yesterday. Sounds ridiculous right!? My journey the past 2 years has had its ups and downs, but mostly ups. I take that as a win! Seems like yesterday in some ways because I vividly remember those final words he said to hurt me, the smells of the garage where it took place, him coming after me to choke me as Haley came out to the garage and the smirk on his face because he was so proud of himself for finally breaking me. Yes, I felt broken for weeks after, but I have come to find out it was my mind and body healing from the worst 7 years of my life. He did NOT break me! I broke him! I survived and allowed myself to finally see him for the monster he is and stopped telling myself he wasn’t like I did for so many years. It didn‘t take me long to realize I was over him long before he met car slut. He knew he was losing any power he had over me and that’s why he clung onto the first female to give him attention. I am thankful for that or I may have endured more abuse and stayed in that abusive relationship longer since I wasn’t ready to admit the truth about him to my loved ones yet. When he came back begging for another chance several times, I entertained the idea less and less until I didn’t entertain it at all anymore. I was ready to be honest with my loved ones about the hell I lived for 7 years. I stopped lying to myself that there could be any good times when he was involved. None of the good times could ever make up or replace the bad times. He tried hard to sweep those bad times under the rug for 7 years with flowers, lovey dovey Facebook posts about how much I mean to him or how amazing I was, gifts, helping around the house, date night or any other cutesy things he did to cover up and make me forget the monster he is and the horrific things he had just done or said. The catch was once I seemed to forget that last horrific episode, he started to be that monster again slowly until another abusive episode. The cycle then repeated over and over for 7 years. I’ve learned there was no happiness, no such thing as good times and that I was the most miserable I had ever been those 7 years. I don’t miss him and that feels amazing! I do still have nightmares involving him. I used to think if I was truly over it and him I shouldn’t be having nightmares. It is actually common, I will probably always have them here and there and it is part of my healing. In these past 2 years, I have had so many great things happen. In no particular order, I’ve made new friends, built stronger friendships with old friends, had so many great mom moments with each of my 3 amazing kids, got a raise after a small speed bump, joined DEI committee for my softball league, joined a bunch of domestic violence groups, gave back the last thing my abuser had control over me(truck), started blogging, started baking again, went camping with friends, played lots of games with family and friends, so many laughs til my tummy hurts, started dating again, ended up in a healthy relationship and falling in love, MN Ice won our softball league again, went to World Series with an amazing group, survived 14 days of Corona quarantined in my bedroom by myself, went to a Pure Romance party I will never forget, many dinners with friends and family, Disney World Coronacation with my parents and my kids, Breezy Point with family and most importantly I am finding myself again!!!!!! I need to say thank you to my 3 kids, parents, sister and best friends who were there the past 2 years no matter what. I love you all more than I could ever say or show. You are a huge part of the reason my healing is going in the right direction and why I am genuinely happy again. Thank you to the man who has shown me what unconditional love is and video chats all night with me when we are apart in case I have a nightmare. I still have my bad days even with all the love from the amazing people in my life. Today, I forgot it was the 2 year anniversary, but my body didn’t. I tossed and turned all night, woke up with a severe tummy ache, had an Ocular Migraine this afternoon and then BAM reminder came on phone what today was. All my aches went away. Funny how our bodies react to trauma, anxiety and stress. I could say I hate the days that I don’t sleep because of nightmares, days I can’t find the right outfit or put enough make up on because I only see an ugly 300lb woman in the mirror, days I cry for no reason off and on, days I have a flashback of an episode of abuse because something reminds me of it, but I don’t hate those days. It isn’t fun to have those days, but those days are getting fewer as I heal and remind me that I’m a Survivor, I’m a Strong Woman and he no longer has the power…I DO!!!

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