It is safe to say 2020 was not the best year for most people for so many different reasons. For my family and friends, it was a terrible year of political fights, racism, inequality, Covid, dealing with personal problems and death! I want to be optimistic for 2021, but so far it has started off with so much hate all around our country. I still believe 2021 will be an amazing year! I received an amazing gift that is a necklace of an outline of a rainbow which means to OVERCOME! I wear it daily to remind me I have the power to overcome and I choose to overcome! I have the same hope for our country.
My family started 2020 happy and healthy. Never did we imagine our lives would be completely turned upside down just a few months into the new year. I broke up with my abuser. I had to begin healing from and facing the abuse I endured for many years and deal with being cheated on. It is hard and eye opening to feel the way I do now about the abuse. When I was living the mental, verbal and physical abuse, I did not realize how bad it really was. Now, not having anyone abuse me in any type of way, I see just how horrible life was and how I never deserved any of it no matter his reasons. I understand how people on the outside can sit back and think or say, “why didn’t she leave”, “she must like it”, “she deserves it if she keeps staying” among many other things I’m sure. It seems crazy for someone who hasn’t lived it to understand why someone stays at all with their abuser. I can only explain for me as I’m sure it may be different for others, but I really thought each time was the last or got numb to it making me feel that the abuse really wasn‘t that horrible after awhile. There were times I did think about leaving because I did think one day he would kill me, but he would charm me back in making me forget all that and believe it wouldn’t happen again. Almost as if it was normal and I did deserve it. That’s the best way I can explain why I stayed so many years. For the rest of my family, 2020 was not great either. I know my break up and learning about the abuse was not easy for them especially my kids. They also had craziness during the year on top of worrying about their mom. Kaleb‘s 1st year attending college got cut short and he moved out of dorms back home to finish with online schooling. His 2nd year has been mostly online as well. Haley’s Senior year was taken from her and there was no Prom, Graduation Ceremony, Senior Party or Club Soccer. Her 1st year at college she barely has been in the dorms and soccer has been mostly off than on. Eli didn’t get to attend his Presidential Award breakfast for 8th grade, no 8th grade end of year field trip, only online schooling to end his middle school experience and started high school mostly online. Haley, my parents, G’pa George and I were infected with Covid towards end of year not all at same time. G’pa George died the week before Christmas due to a fall from being so weak with Covid. It was hard on all of us and will miss him every day! We did have some good things in 2020. We moved into an amazing house, Kaleb and Haley have amazing men in their lives that make them so happy and treat them the way they deserve. Eli has been kicking butt his 1st year of high school. As a family, my kids and I have grown even closer than what we were before. I am blessed they all still want to hang out with their mom. As much as I joke that they are more needy of my attention and time now compared to when they were toddlers, I do love it. The bond those 3 have formed is so amazing and special.
This year, I am going to make sure each day I overcome one piece that is holding me back. I figure letting go of 365 pieces will make me become that much stronger. It can be as simple as writing my thoughts down, so I do not overthink or say something before thinking it thru. I will try not to let my bad thoughts consume my day because lately they are just that and do not come true. Something I was so used to with my abuser...all bad thoughts came true, so now it’s hard to believe they are just me overthinking because of my past. In time, I have faith my bad thoughts consistently not coming true will lessen my bad thoughts or end them. I will choose to laugh and smile more even on my worst days. I will keep building love for myself inside and out. I will have more game nights with my kids, family and friends to laugh and forget about any stresses of that day. Game night has actually been the best medicine. I laugh to the point of almost pee’ing my pants. I will continue to strengthen friendships new and old. I will allow myself to be vulnerable and keep letting my guard down for the chance at love again!
I could let my abuser needing to go on my blog every day or lying about me to the point someone had to reach out to me upset and questioning me recently affect me, but I choose not to. I answered the questions that person asked truthfully and I moved on with my day. I won’t lie, it upset me in the moment, but I didn’t let it consume my day. That was a huge step for me! I don’t tolerate lies anymore big or small. Honestly, I was not shocked he is still playing victim and trying to lie about me. It is what Narcissists do. I find it sad for him and his on/off girlie that they need to consume their days the past several weeks checking my blog several times a day. Not sure what they want to see on this page, but I have nothing for them and I’m not taking any of their special requests if they have any. Hopefully they can find peace and happiness soon and focus on themselves and not me.
Even though 2021 has not started off well for our country, it has started off amazing for me. I spent NYE’s saying good bye to the shit show we called 2020 with some of the most important people in my life wether they were at my house, texted, video chatted or snapped. I am excited about my future for the 1st time in a long time. I truly hope this year brings love, happiness, peace and good health to everyone! I hope our country can overcome and let people love whatever gender or color they want peacefully! I hope our country can overcome and see everyone as the same and not based off of the color of their skin, sexual orientation or gender! I hope our country can heal from all the hate it has been thru especially this last year! I hope Covid will no longer cause us to have future shutdowns, so we can start to get back to life outside our houses. Change starts with all of us, so just be kind! I was given solid advice and it has helped me many times so far. I hope it can help anyone else who needs to read it! “Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your Present And Affect Your Future!