Crazy

I titled this Crazy for a few reasons. One reason being I always thought my abuser’s ex was crazy. Now, I think she was broken and he made her crazy. I haven’t done what she did, but I believe he could’ve gotten me to the point of that kind of crazy. I no longer have anger towards her, I now feel empathy for her. I am forgiving her! I will get into that in a bit.

The other reason is I tested positive for Covid & Influenza A over a week ago. On top of that, I am battling a UTI and got my period. Sorry TMI. Needless to say, I am a hot mess and full of diseases and emotions. Being isolated from my loved ones has made me go a little crazy. Okay, maybe a lot crazy! All I had were my thoughts. I have kept super busy the last 8 months since becoming single. If I stopped and sat too long, the bad always flooded my head. Being in my bedroom alone for 8 days now, I have had so many thoughts flood my head. Some good, some bad and some terrifying thoughts and memories. Don‘t get me wrong, the many messages, calls, FaceTime, snaps, videos, pics and Netflix binging has helped keep me as sane as possible. I thank each person who has entertained me or checked on me. It showed me who I can count on and who I can’t. My sister, sister-in-law and kids have been amazing thru this. Keeping me laughing and delivering me food outside my bedroom door. My amazing friends have been awesome! I am so glad my whole family was not infected. I do feel super guilty for anyone who did get infected. One of my best friends and my daughter tested positive since I did and they are doing well thank goodness! Right now, it looks like I got it somehow from school. 1 co-worker/ best friend tested positive for Covid and 2 students(1 from my classroom and 1 from another classroom) so far and they are doing well too. Another co-worker tested positive for Influenza A only. All my other friends tested negative. I’m hoping no one else tests positive as we await more students and co-workers results! Some students and co-workers won’t end up getting tested and just ride out quarantine. To each their own, but I hope everyone does get tested for their loved ones. I hadn’t heard of more than 1 friend having it when it 1st became a thing months ago and this 2nd wave has hit several people I know. I do feel lucky with the symptoms I went thru considering how many diseases I had at once. It started with congestion, but never horrible. I had a small goopy cough that I coughed just few times a day for 1st few days. Lost taste and smell day 2 of quarantine and got them back day 8(Today)! Chills were only day 3. Leg pain started day 3 and was worst symptom. Finally woke up day 8 no leg pain...knock on wood still pain free. Stomach pain started day 4 and was off and on until day 7. My fever hasn’t gotten above 99.5 so far. I have 2 more days of quarantine according to the doctors. Well, actually today would be my last day according to them. They say to quarantine 10 days from symptom start. I started 2 Friday’s ago late at night. I decided to go from 2 days later, when I got positive test and make sure I’m 24hr symptom free! I want to be absolutely sure I’m over it before being around anyone. So far I am symptom free and no Tylenol today. Hoping it’s over for me. Hoping it’s over for everyone who tested positive. It is real for anyone who has questioned COVID. The body pain is fierce. The isolation is the absolute worst! I do not wish this upon my worst enemy.

Now back to my 1st reason for Crazy! My abuser’s ex and I got along when we 1st started getting their joint child for weekends or weekdays. It had taken the initial BS arguing and jabs when we 1st started dating, but it didn’t last, then she would only deal with me. She wouldn’t deal with my abuser at all. I would text her pictures of her child and my kids having fun or whatever we would do. Everything seemed great and civil. To this day, I honestly do not know what happened. She flipped and I was the enemy. My abuser then took it to the courts to get legal custody because at the time he had none and his ex had been in jail recently. He just wanted to ensure his child would have a consistent home. They were never married and never had it written on parental rights. It got ugly to say it kindly. It got to the point she threatened me in front of their child, my abuser and my abuser’s oldest child one Christmas morning when doing parental exchange. We went to police and they said to do exchanges at the police station from then on and get a Harassment Restraining Order. That same day, my abuser’s oldest got threatening messages from my abuser’s other child. It was super late at night, so we knew it came from my abuser’s ex. We decided to go get Harassment Restraining Orders. They were approved for me, my abuser and his oldest. While they were trying to serve her, we had another parent exchange. They had not served her yet, but we felt safe because we were going to police station. She was refusing to meet at the police station saying she didn’t have a car at the time. My abuser and I went to the police station to ask for police escort to her place. My abuser went inside and left me and his sleeping child in the car. Within 2 minutes of my abuser walking inside, my driver side window is being banged on by my abuser’s ex. She had pulled up in her car behind me. Like she planned it all along saying she didn’t have her car and waiting for him to go inside. I turned my phone on record because police had said to record all encounters with her. My door was locked so she ran to other side of my van. Her daughter, from another father, started banging on my window distracting me from her mother busting open my side passenger back door. She woke her sleeping child freaking him out. I was still buckled up. She hopped in getting her son out then grabbed the back of my hair, so I couldn’t move. My phone fell to floor and she started beating on my head. Both her kids were screaming and pulling her off me. She ran to the police station. I got out of van to run for help. Her daughter came at me and I called 911 saying I was assaulted and being blocked from going into the station for help. She moved and I ran to police station. I started sceaming to get let in while standing next to my attacker. They let me in because my abuser was telling them I was his gf and his crazy ex had just yelled at him thru the locked door that she just beat me up right before I came running. I got inside and I remember having a panic attack and my abuser screaming I was bleeding. The cops were awful. Yelled at me to go clean myself up and calm down. I went to bathroom and cleaned up my face. They gave her a ticket to go to court and let her take both kids home. This woman like my abuser has a very violent record of beating up several people. They let her just walk. If it were a man who did that to a woman on their property, he would’ve been arrested on the spot! My phone recorded her breaking into my car and coming at me. When it dropped you can hear her saying she’s gonna beat my ass and you can hear me screaming and every hit she gave to my head and face. I had huge bumps on back of head, busted lip and scratches all over my neck and face. Police took photos of my injuries. Chunks of my hair were on roof of car and on floor. She ended up being served the Harassment Restraining Orders immediately after I went back to court telling them what happened. Our great justice system let her off of my assault charges for a plea deal even though I made a compelling victim statement and the video and 911 call all backed up every word. I gave up on justice because of that and the custody battle. She broke my order months later and came to our house. She then finally got into a little trouble, but not much. I had so much hate and anger towards her this whole time. I guess I had good reason, but now I get it. I also had anger towards my abuser. He said he would never let her hurt me. He failed! I also had hate for myself. I pursued charges on her, but never on him. He did a lot more damage than she ever did. I felt like a hypocrite trying to get justice for what she did to me, but never sought justice for what my abuser did to me. I wonder if she ever thinks about that day and feels bad or sorry. I want to believe she does and that she is just broken from her past abuse. I do forgive her! I absolutely loved and still love her son. We were buddies until everything went to hell. He was so confused and too scared to show he cared about me or my kids after that. I hope he can grow up without the hate and violence both his parents have shown him so much of! I hope she realizes the hate towards me was because of my abuser and the abusive narcissistic behavior he had pulled on both of us. He really had me believing she was crazy for no reason. He succeeded on breaking 2 strong women. I hope she has started to heal like me and let go of his power. I don’t think I could ever get to that point of crazy, but my abuser has gotten me close. I did lose it 8 months ago and I pushed and punched my abuser. I stopped myself after 1 punch and ran away. I found out about car slut and I literally went crazy and saw red. Maybe it was all the years of abuse and that was my breaking point. Maybe it was his laugh and smirk at me when he saw me there crying knowing he completely destroyed me. I regret it and do not want to get to that point in my life ever again. Yuck I hate even writing I did that. I do fear sometimes I could turn into my abuser like many victims do. Not that my midget ass could do damage to someone, but I do not want to be like him in any way EVER again!

On a positive note, we moved into a beautiful house away from the bad memories of the past and unknown to my abuser. I‘m doing good. Weeded out the fake and “convenient“ people. I keep myself surrounded with positive and genuine people and it is pretty damn amazing! I laugh harder than I ever have. Kaleb is doing amazing his 2nd year in college. He is a leader for the Marching Band and getting excellent grades. He has a house with friends. His cat, Bueller, has turned into a dog that fetches toys and sits on command. I miss Kaleb like crazy and counting days down from quarantine, so I can see him! Haley is killing it as a college athlete balancing her classes, schoolwork, training/working out and practices. Her grades are awesome! She is adjusting to dorm life and making lots of friends. Luckily she is close enough for visits before her soccer schedule gets busier soon. I can’t wait to see her play again! Eli is truly amazing and getting all his schoolwork done on his own. He is adjusting to the weird 2 days in school and 3 days online school very well. He likes High School so far and getting fantastic grades. He is still our comedian, cleaner and organizer and talks with his Boston accent he was mysteriously born with. He was super excited to move and get our place organized. He is still growing and may surpass his sister soon. All 3 have surpassed me. Lol