Gone Too Soon

The past month has been tough! My beautiful, free spirited and stubborn cousin was brutally beaten, left for days to die in a trailer and when the murderers couldn’t get the trailer out of where they parked it, they set her & the trailer on fire. I can’t even write that without falling apart. I can’t imagine what she went thru. We can only hope she was knocked out and didn’t suffer. My cousin, Annysa, was also 7 months pregnant with a baby girl! She had kept her pregnancy quiet, but stated if she ever had a girl, she would name her Karma. The name Grace was picked by her dad and half sisters and I’m sure it was done with thought and love. For me, baby will always be Karma Marie as Nysa would have wanted. Learning details of the case and hearing from others who knew the murderers, brought me back to my abusive relationship. Nysa had some sort of relationship in the past with one of the murderers. He became obsessed with her and stalked her. It reminded me what lengths a Narcissist will go when at their breaking point. Narcissists can not handle someone not wanting them because in their minds they are amazing and no one better for their victims. It eats them up inside if their victim doesn’t want them. It will give them full on rage if they are ignored. Reminds me so much of my abuser! When I finally was done with him and he realized it, he got obsessive. He called my phone over and over, leaving crying voicemails because he was blocked on social media and phone and he didn’t know where I lived anymore. The crying wasn’t because he felt bad or missed me, it was because he couldn’t handle a victim not wanting him. He couldn’t handle I was living my life without him and enjoying most of my days building stronger relationships with everyone in my life. A few times my abuser got close to ending my life by choking me or beating me so bad in the head. I’m not saying he would have killed me if we stayed together, but it is very possible. I still have nightmares about him finding me and being so enraged because I cut him out of my life completely. My cousin’s murder happened because her stalker couldn’t live without her and his new girlfriend was enraged with jealousy. It has been a huge trigger for me. The Gabby Petito story is a huge trigger for me, too. Some people say things like this shouldn’t effect me or it’s been almost 2yrs since my abuse, so I should be fine. For the most part, I am fine. Most days I get thru my day without crying, but other days I am not fine and cry for reasons I don’t even know why. It could be a place I drive by that triggers an abusive episode, a picture I see that happened before or after an abusive episode, a song I hear, a story that involves any sort of abuse, a certain smell, night full of nightmares or because I see who my abuser said I was in the mirror and can’t unsee that ugly, fat, worthless, disgusting human. Again, there are days I actually see myself in the mirror as you all see me which is amazing. I am healing and always will be. So NO I should not be fine when I see or hear of abuse or murders from obsessed current or past significant others!!!! Neither should anyone in this world! Slowly society is getting harder on abuse, but too many ignorant people are still out there. I fully believe Gabby Petito would be alive today if the police didn’t interfere the way they did. She admitted there was an abusive situation to the cops. The cops separating them for the night only enraged her abuser. This is the main reason why EVERY time the police showed up to my house I lied saying I was fine and alone in the house. Same reason why many people lie and don’t get help because it will make the abuse that much more worse. The abused person is usually so manipulated to believe it is their fault, so they aren’t ready to leave their abuser. I give much respect to Gabby for being honest and telling the cops. She was at her breaking point and definitely hoping for help to get away from her abuser. Too bad it ended the way it did for her. She was so brave that day! Another one gone way too soon! And for what!? What did Gabby and Annysa really do to deserve death? There are so many worse human beings in this world alive and still harming others. I will never understand!

Abuse of any sort stays with the person forever. I see it effecting many things in my life at times. My past effects the way I react to things in my first real relationship since my abuser. I am so lucky he is patient and understanding. It is really hard for me not to second guess, overthink or shut down because I am not used to a real man. I am not used to talking about a disagreement and not yelling and bracing myself for something being thrown at me, a kick or punch. Not that we disagree a lot, but when we do, I start to shut down in fear of yelling or abuse. It is not fair to my boyfriend that my ex did such horrible things and only did sweet things for me after an abusive episode or something else he did that was disrespectful. Now I overthink all the amazing things my current boyfriend does. Trust is huge with me as well. It’s been hard to trust anyone, but I am trusting someone more than I have in over 8yrs. In my head, I keep reminding myself how amazing my abuser was for the first 5 months. Do I fear my boyfriend will change, ABSOLUTELY! Is it fair to him, NO! It is just me being cautious not wanting to go down the same path I did 8+yrs ago. My boyfriend hasn’t shown any signs that he will abuse me or try and manipulate me, but it still is in back of my mind. It has been 1 year and 10 months since I was freed from my abuser. I thought after 1 year I would be healed. I’ve learned the past 10 months that the longer it is, I do get stronger. I also learned it will stay with me forever no matter how long it becomes. I will always be healing. For some of you, that may sound ridiculous. I wish it was! My anxiety hasn’t gotten better. I have less anxiety or panic attacks, but I still have them. My last anxiety attacks were at Annysa’s funeral during the church service and a few days ago while getting ready for her murderers court hearings. It’s weird because I am the happiest I have been in a very long time if not ever, but I am also still a mess. Sounds contradicting, but it’s possible trust me!

I am looking forward to the next few weeks with family celebrating the holidays. I also am not letting up on seeking justice for Annysa and Baby Karma! We have next court hearings end of January and beginning of February. Nysa was loved by so many and there is a huge support system for our family. So many people Nysa came across have shown love and support the past month. It gives me hope in this tragedy.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Christmas & hoping 2022 is the year we all need it to be!

#JusticeForAnnysaZierhut #JusticeForBabyKarma