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Hodge Podge of Stuff

Updated: Jul 18, 2023

I haven’t written in a month because life has been super busy and crazy. I am getting back to myself since I had Covid. I still don’t have my sense of smell back. I did smell a hint of Burger King yesterday when I was out with my sister. I was so excited! I’m hoping that is a sign of it slowly coming back. I still have brain fog when I’m tired and very loud noises make my head spin. I’m doing well other than that. I’m happy in everything going on with me and the kids lives. I am also excited and feel lucky about who is in my life. My kids are truly amazing and EVERY day they remind me that I did do something right in my life. My sister and sister-in-law keep me entertained when my kids are not around. Gotta love our Walmart trips! I still have my bad days and I can’t lie, they are rough. I get thru them some days without anyone knowing it was a constant battle inside of me all day. I got good at hiding my inner thoughts about myself for 6+ yrs. Seems ironic because I can‘t hide how I feel about someone or something else because my face or outspoken mouth gives it away. One of my best friend’s put Notes App on my phone. When I want to say something I probably shouldn’t, I write it there. I can wait on it and reword it when I’ve calmed down before sending to the person. I may not end up sending it, but I get out what I felt I needed to say. It may just be random thoughts that are haunting me for the day. Get them out and move on with my day. It has helped in a few situations so far.

I also have not written in a bit because one of my abuser’s exes contacted me not happy about my blogs. Said I deserved what I got. Just proves what kind of person she is and that’s fine. I got my closure with her now and have no more empathy towards her. I do wish her the best of luck in life! Another reason I have not blogged was my abuser tried to reach out to me a lot the 1st few weeks of November. I was getting emails which I thought I had him blocked on. I was getting numerous blocked calls a day. I was getting voicemails from him begging me to just call him back. One voicemail I couldn’t even understand much and had others try to decipher it. They picked out pieces that he needed to talk to me, he promised no drama and missed talking to me. I was strong for 2 weeks, but his numerous attempts didn’t stop. I got worried he wouldn’t stop and so I called him. Everyone said to not even listen to the voicemails from him or unknown callers, but that is easier said than done. I just wanted it to stop, so I called. The sound of his voice made my whole body get hot with anger and disgust. He said he called because he missed our friendship. He read my blogs and knew I had Covid and wanted to know how I was doing. Thought we could try to be friends again. I should have hung up and not given him any emotion, but not so easy in the moment. I don’t remember all I said and I believe I was yelling after I laughed. What friendship!? The reason he has given me and other people for cheating is because we didn’t have a friendship for a year or more. I do remember telling him on the phone we never had a friendship because friends don’t disrespect each other, friends don’t physically harm their friends or verbally & mentally destroy them, so I don’t know what he could possibly miss. Maybe he misses his punching bag? Maybe he misses me letting him get away with everything over and over and not being held accountable. Maybe he misses a woman who is smart, sarcastic, funny, goofy, loyal, honest, mature, supportive and well liked by others. Something he hasn’t been able to find yet and may never find it all in 1 person. I don’t know what he truly misses, but I don’t miss a thing. I don’t miss being disrespected because he is having a tantrum on something that doesn’t even have to do with losing his keys or can’t put together something right. I don’t miss being abused in any way or the empty affection. I don’t miss loving someone incapable of really loving someone else. I don’t miss worrying about what mood he is in before I try to have a conversation with him. What I do miss is his family! My niece especially. I love seeing her pics and can’t wait to see her sometime and just hug her tight! I do hope my abuser finds happiness and peace within himself. I truly do because he will never be happy or satisfied with anything or anyone until he gets the help he needs for all his inner demons. Narcissists treat their new person the way the old one wanted. I have learned to not let that bother me anymore. I truly hope that behavior doesn’t end up ruining anyone else’s life especially any kids lives. Enough damage has been done!

Onto happier things! I’m excited to spend lots of time with my 3 kiddos now that they are all back home! Christmas is my favorite time of year and excited for all the fun and craziness! I hope everyone reading this has an amazing holiday with family and loved ones. So glad 2020 is almost over because it has been rough for everyone! Excited to start a new year with many new adventures and new love for myself!

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