Six Years

It has been two weeks since my six-year anniversary free from my abuser. I have been writing this blog for over a month because I wasn't sure how much I wanted to share of my last year. It has been quite eventful. Mostly amazing times and a few not-so-amazing times. I will say that my support system still helps me through my toughest times. I realized as we get older, we lose some people, gain some people, and some people become more present or less present in our lives. I do believe everything happens for a reason no matter how much it hurts; there is always a reason. I eventually see the reason as time goes on, but getting through that time has been hard. I am so lucky to have my kids, family, and chosen family because I do not know how I would get through my days without them. I am blessed because I hear other people talk about not having a support system, and I just cannot imagine. I cannot imagine life without the banter with my kids and friends, life without the game nights or dinners, life without the laughs, life without the road trips, life without "the vulnerable adult" adventures or "hot mess" moments, and life without the love from not just my family, but friends who are not required to love me, but for some reason love the hell out of me.

I want to start with some of the good stuff the past 12 months. My kids are still kicking ass as humans. I truly love being their mom more than anything. They are the one thing I know I did right! Being a mom is my favorite thing about me. They are truly best friends, and it is non-stop banter when they are together. I do want to share how thoughtful my kids are. My birthday this year, they surprised me with a cooked breakfast, gifts, mall shopping spree, lunch, dinner, and an escape room. I did not know anything until we would arrive to the next destination. They even sat through an oil change with me. They keep me wanting to be better every day! They truly are amazing humans and very appreciative and super empathetic. My parents are living life and traveling as much as possible at their young age! My sister is about to get married in a few months. I am genuinely excited to have her fiancé as my sister-in-law! Their love is genuine and so great to see. I went on 2 softball trips. First one was to Houston in October where we did really well the first 3 days and then just couldn't bat the last day. I was still proud of them and had an absolute blast. We even watched K-pop Demon Hunters as a team bonding event. We also watched all the Pitch Perfect's one night as a team. There were many games of cribbage and a photo shoot in our pool too! You get a lot of time during a week-long tourney! LOL Second one was a weekend in Vegas a few months ago and we took 1st in B and 4th overall in A/B. It was the first time our top 3 teams from our league combined to play together and it was as if they played together for years. I am so excited to be co-coaching the new A team in our league for this upcoming season. I am sure lots more epic times are ahead. Work has been a wee bit stressful, but good. We received a grant to make a sensory gym and sensory items for each classroom. Stuff has started arriving already and I cannot wait to get it set up in the next few weeks. I moved into a place I really love and have been able to sleep better than I have in a while. The kids are excited because my place has a pickleball court. My personal growth has been focusing on work and spending time with family and friends. I recently started going on dates again. I cannot express how much I really dislike first dates, but this time around has not been awful. Learning from past mistakes, I am seeing things from the start that I may have ignored in the past. I am in no rush and am enjoying my busy life filled with work, family, and friends. If someone comes along who fits into my life, shares my same values, and can give me what I need and peace, cool! Until then, I will just keep being my friends entertainment with my horrific dating stories. A bit of advice to the singles out there, pictures with a dead animal, fish or wearing hats and glasses in every picture is not it.

I really only had a few not-so-great things the last year. A breakup is never easy. Losing a boyfriend hurt but the loss of the best friendship we had was devastating. We could be so dorky together and just laugh for hours. That part I still miss. The other not-so-great things were my uncle passing away and I just want to send love to my aunt because they were together 60 years! I also had one of my fave friendships get a bit torn. I do have hope we will be back laughing uncontrollably on road trips sooner than later. As for my abuser, I wish I could say he has left me alone, but he has not. Fun fact: iPhone lets blocked contacts leave voicemails. He did reach out a few months ago and I did not listen to any of his voicemails but let my support system listen to determine if I was in danger. I do not think there is anything he can say that I would want to hear. I don’t want to hear his voice and he does not deserve any more pieces of me. I will not go into detail why he reached out but do hope he can move on because I have moved on, but continuously healing.

I will end with how abuse has affected me the past six years and how far I have come in my healing. Like I have said many times, I do not feel I can ever fully heal. It has become a part of who I am and I am embracing it. I have moved on and that has allowed me to be the strong survivor I am. I know I will not allow another person to treat me that way and ultimately have gotten the ick when they do show any signs of it. Still learning to walk away faster, but at least I am eventually seeing it before it’s too late. My first few years was full of trauma release, PTSD, overthinking, anxiety, and panic attacks. When dating, I self-sabotaged a lot because I was not ready for anything. I made some of the same mistakes in men and learned something from each time. My support system has helped me through my toughest days and have helped me become who I am today. I honestly cannot say thank you enough, show my appreciation or cuddle and hug them enough to show how much they all mean to me. Therapy has helped me become healthier in choosing who I date and when the red flags show, I have been better about ending it and not trying to fix it once I see their true colors. I have also learned how to deal with my overthinking and anxiety not just in relationships. I learned I can let my guard down, be my authentic hot mess self with someone, be able to give myself closure when the other party is unwilling, ability to communicate in a healthy way even when it is not reciprocated, and I am happier single vs. being in an unhappy relationship. I now understand I deserve to be loved all the time, not just sometimes! My life today is easier than life six years ago. I will always be on the search of finding Dina and making her better each day. I am unapologetically me and have learned not everyone will love that about me and that is okay. I am excited to see what this next year has in store for me and my loved ones.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, remember that you are not alone, and there is a way out.

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE: 1 800 799 SAFE (7233)

www.ncdsv.org