The First Time

I have to say I did not expect the amazing support I have had. Thank you!!! Friends and family messaging they are proud of me. Strangers reaching out to me who read my blog saying they are in same boat or my words touched them.... feels pretty great! I have been asked several times the past few days what gave me the strength to tell my story for people to hear. I am gonna be honest, Saturday making the page and writing my first blog did not feel like I was strong. I was a mess and cried majority of the day. Writing those words and admitting my ugly truth made me relive a lot of bad memories. I knew then it was not going to be just 1 blog, but several to be able to let go of each one of those BIG events that stand out and still haunt me each and every day. I guess what made me take the leap to start this was I received a nasty message from my abuser last week. I was upset and mad at myself for allowing just a few words effect me so much still!! I realized then that I wasn't as healed as I thought. This man still had power over me and it made me so angry and disgusted with myself. For a few days after that message....I only saw a worthless female in the mirror, I saw an ugly woman no one will ever love or want and a mom that has failed her kids. So I guess I decided it was time to let go of him, the power he has, the anger towards him, the anger towards the car slut and the anger towards myself. And no, I do not blame the car slut, but she knew he was engaged and coming home to me after they had sex in her car each time! I even went to her like a real female and gave her a chance to tell me what if anything was going on and she chose to block me and run to him exaggerating what I said(I still have the polite message I sent to her), so that is my anger towards her. I expected her to be a woman not a little girl. Moving on.....

This blog is about the 1st time I was abused. It took him about 5 months of us being together almost every day to show this side of him to me. He had worked hard those 5 months to manipulate me and fall for his charm. We had a big softball tournament and got done with our games that Saturday evening. He had been drinking a lot. We were ordering pizza for us and a buddy. He got mad because the buddy and I agreed on what kind of pizza. He started getting jealous and saying mean things. Accused me of flirting or paying more attention to his buddy because we discussed pizza likes and dislikes. He threatened to go with some female, so I took his phone. He chased after me and I locked myself in bathroom. He broke in and threw me against the wall hitting my head and choking me. The buddy ran in and grabbed him off me. They struggled and began to fight. He left and took off, leaving me with his buddy. I was shocked and hurt and terrified. I thought he would take a walk then come back and apologize. Nope, he didn't so we went driving looking for him. No where to be found. We went back to the house and waited. We had games the next morning, so the buddy and I went to bed in separate rooms. Abuser finally stumbled back in during the middle of the night. Passed out in my bed after slurring some pretty hurtful things. Next morning we all got up for games. He started accusing the buddy and I of sleeping together while he was MIA. At the games, he was so drunk and embarrassing for me and the team. Most of the team got so angry at him and said if he drinks at games again he is off the team. He was mean and verbally abusive that whole day. He passed out when we got home from ball. I stayed up all night crying and thinking why did I deserve this. All the things people said about him and his past were true. I ended up convincing myself I was different. He loved me and would change for me. The next morning we didn't have to work. I was super sick and weak. We went to ER and I was severely dehydrated and had an UTI. He was my hero. He took amazing care of me the next few days and was above and beyond sweet. He finally apologized for putting hands on me and getting mean. He cried to make me believe he meant his words. He cried saying he doesn't know what is wrong with him, BUT I was flirting with his buddy. I was not supporting him at ball. It made him lose his mind. He put blame back on me making me feel bad for him. I started to believe it was my fault. I look back at that day and get so mad at myself. I should have ran then. I should have made that the FIRST & LAST time. I later would find out he did go with a female that night. I chose to forgive him not knowing he would ultimately cheat again years later to finally end us! I tried to forgive his 1st infidelity & move on. I just never could because EVERY time we would fight even just verbal abuse, it brought me back to that time. Actually, as the years went on and more and more events built up, each new fight brought all the others back to surface just like they all just happened. So with each new verbal attack or physical abuse, I relived ALL of the past ones again and again. That is why I hope 1 person who reads this will save themselves after just 1 event of abuse. Honey, he won't change! It will never be his last time because now it just gets easier for him to keep disrespecting you and it gets worse each time. It hurts worse each time! I say event because for me it was like he planned it out so perfectly like a birthday party or BBQ with friends. He did it each time so methodically and had what he was gonna say after he beat the crap out of me or said the most horrendous things to me ready to say before the event even happened. He always made me feel like I was the crazy one or it was my fault for HIS actions. I began to think I was crazy or even losing my mind. I have learned ONLY YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR ACTIONS!!! That is why I am letting this all out! I AM IN CONTROL OF MY ACTIONS and I am trying to take control back of MY EMOTIONS!