The Most Public Scene

I want to start off saying each day has been better and better since I started these blogs. I feel more and more free from my abuser. I don’t have anyone in my life that calls me names or belittles me right now. No one puts hands on me or makes me feel like I need to worry about the next thing I say bc there will be consequences. I am surrounded with people who compliment me and make me feel good about myself. I had a friend who is an empath talk with me last week. As weird as it may sound, she helped me let go of anything HE had given me and I took back anything I had given HIM of myself. Since then, I feel amazing. I had my daughter’s grad party yesterday and I didn’t worry if he was gonna show up or not. I wanted him to for my daughter bc I know even though she is upset with how he treated me, he was in her life and was a huge father figure for many years. I could have kept away from him and given him time to see her then he could leave. I finally feel I can see him and not miss him or feel any type of way other than sympathy towards him. Sympathy because he will always be this man and he lives with all this shame and embarrassment of himself every single day. It shows in his current day to day temper tantrums or mood swings to others now because I am NO LONGER his punching bag.

This event was much like the ER trip I wrote a few blogs ago about my busted head & 6 month concussion. HE WAS SOBER!! SOBER!!! I feel bad for him that he uses he was drunk as an excuse for most of the physical abuse. Yes, he was for most of them, but there were quite a few times he got physical after he had been sober! The mental and verbal abuse was more frequent when he was sober!! For me, the mental and verbal abuse was worse than any physical. There should NEVER be an excuse to condone ANY type of abuse!! I want EVERYONE to read that, hear it and remember it! Please think twice before saying something to a loved one you will never be able to take back or getting physical over big or small things. It’s not worth it. It doesn’t make you feel better and it definitely will stay and haunt the person you say it or do it to!!!

We were in his vehicle and he was driving. He was upset about something with one of his kids. I felt he was blaming me, so I asked what I did. He flipped out. We were sitting at a red light and he punched me on the side of my head. I opened the door to try and get out and he pulled me back in by the neck of my shirt. I panicked and started screaming bc I kept thinking I was going to just keep getting punched or worse when we got home. My screaming must have scared him because there were cars behind us and beside us(again I can not say what or why he did something, so it is my guess), he reached over and opened my door and threw my purse out on the curb/sidewalk. It spilled all over. He then shoved me out which I gladly went. I had to get down on my hands and knees and pick all my stuff up and put back in my purse. At that point the light had turned green and he took off. I realized I didn’t have my phone and it was still in his car. I had no way to call anyone to come get me. I just started walking. I got 2 blocks down and a man caught up to me. He asked if I was ok and he saw everything. He told me he had the license plate and will call the police. I assured him I was fine and begged him not to call the police. I could see my abuser parked up ahead. I used the man’s phone to call my abuser and tell him I wanted my phone back. I saw my abuser throw it out the window into the grass then he drove off. I thanked the man and assured him I would be fine. He hesitantly left me. I got my phone and called a friend telling her what happened. She was my only friend I had confided in about the abuse. She wanted to come get me and make me leave him. Once again I denied her plea. I walked in circles around our neighborhood because this event happened less than a mile from our house. I walked for over an hour just thinking and crying. I remember thinking this is going to be my life forever and the sad thing is I actually felt I couldn’t find better or deserved better than that!! During this long walk my abuser had called and texted numerous times. Mostly saying I deserved it and I know better than to push his buttons. He called me a drama queen getting a stranger involved. I found myself defending myself which is crazy!!! He always found a way to turn everything on me. Even when he apologized he would always have a BUT!!! He never could take accountability without placing blame on me condoning his words or behavior. After many texts, he changed his tone and was saying things to get me to come home. He was always good at charming me back. I finally went home because he seemed calm and was playing video games. I just went upto my room and laid in bed. After an hour passed, he texted me asking if I wanted food. It was his go-to after any fight. Order delivery and try to seem like he is thinking of me needing to eat something. A way to talk and maybe get me to forgive and forget and not bring it up again. I declined like I usually did because I never could eat after any abuse. He eventually came up and cuddled me giving me his usual excuses and reasons why he snapped. I gave in like I always did and he got me to laugh and smile. Ugghhh he always could get me to laugh no matter how mad or hurt I was. Except the last time we tried to get back together after the break up, I was no longer under his spell and didn’t take his tantrums like I used to. He didn’t like that! That’s why he ran back to car slut after I told him we would never work out. A female who will sleep with an engaged man in only her car for months has no self esteem either. She takes him back as easily as I did after he cheated on her 2 times in the short time they were together since he was finally single. She is weak because he has her so charmed and that makes her perfect for him. I just hope she gets strong one day to realize she was never special and will never be able to change him before it is too late. No matter what karma she deserves, she and her young son do not deserve to have any abuse in their lives. No one does! I truly do feel bad for her because I know the life she is living.