I’ve been great lately. I do still have my moments and some are very hard to shake. But, I do find myself laughing and smiling more than I have in many years. I have started to let my guard down with someone and it’s scary. I unfortunately find myself questioning small things I shouldn’t due to the lies and BS my abuser put me thru. Sometimes I express my questions or over thinking accusations too quick and sometimes I hold it in and ride it out finding I was just over thinking. I would love to think the over thinking will go away with time, but I don’t think it will. I just need to do more of the waiting and seeing before questioning right away. Easier said than done!! Last night, I had a great time at ball. I had 2 White Claws and if you know me, that is all it takes because I’m a light weight. Went to bed in a great mood. Woke up every hour until I finally gave in and just stopped trying to sleep. This time I was haunted by the night he almost lit me on fire. It was close to his bday. We were supposed to get his 2 middle kids for the weekend. He wanted to just get drunk and not get them, so we argued. He got on the phone with one of his drug dealing buddies. It was about 2 months after the 1st time he physically abused me, so I was still not expecting him to hurt me. I ran my mouth arguing with him as he was telling his buddy all the nasty things I was. He started throwing/spraying his Captain Morgan on me. Took the bottle and dumped whatever was left over my head. He then told his buddy he was going to light me and this whole damn house on fire as he kept flicking his lighter at me. I just froze. He ended up pushing me and I fell sitting against the wall. I wouldn’t answer him when he kept asking why I was such a dumb bitch. He kicked/stomped my head so it hit back against the wall. There was a dent in our bedroom wall for the next 5 years of us living there. There were actually numerous holes in walls around the house and even bedroom doors from him. He ended up leaving with that buddy who was on the phone and went to casino. He got so trashed he threw up on himself and they had to stop to buy a new shirt on the way. They went to casino and he lost all his money he had in his account. All the while, I shower and go pick up his 2 kids. He already was a POS dad and I was damned if he was going to let them down after finally getting them back in his life. He hadn’t had any of his 4 kids in his life when I met him. At one point during our relationship, we used to have all 4 kids regularly. When we broke up, he barely had a relationship with 1 of them again. He tried to blame me, but it is all him! I was always told he goes in rounds of being there and then not being there as a dad since his 1st one was born. Makes sense now knowing he is a Narcissist with Bi Polar, Borderline Personalities & PTSD. He isn’t capable of really loving anyone and can only act like it for so long at a time. Anyways, I go get the kids and we stop at the store to get decorations for them to decorate the house for his bday. Get home and decorate the house. They want their dad home, so they try calling him from my phone and he hangs up on them when he realizes it’s them and they are at the house. The look on their faces broke my heart. He finally stumbled in at 2am. He woke the kids drunk and dumb thanking them for the decorations. He tried being all lovey dovey with me and I just went back to sleep. The next day, he acted as nothing had happened. Sadly I let it be and accepted the behavior. He didn’t spend much quality time with the kids bc he was so hungover and laid on the couch sleeping off and on all day into that evening. Today I wonder if they remember that and how they feel about their lack of relationship with their dad. I hope they know it was never them and they were and always will be good enough....he just isn’t good enough for them! I hope to let go of this memory! I am doing good until I’m not. If that makes sense. Recently, I thought I was good and would be able to see him at softball if we by chance crossed paths. The other day, I thought he had shown up where I was and my whole body got cold and I started to shake a little. It was someone else in a truck like his. I don’t know why he gives me that reaction now. I was still with him after most of the abuse. Maybe bc I’ve been facing all that I held in for so many years and I’m realizing what he did was so horrible and wrong. I don’t know. A big softball tournament got cancelled for this weekend and I was so relieved because I wouldn’t have to see him or be in same area as him. I‘m not worried about him saying anything or hurting me because there are so many people that wouldn’t let him get close enough to me to say or do anything. He’s a coward when it comes to other men, so I feel safe around my buddies. I just worry seeing him will set me back. I worry all that I have let go of so far will come back. I worry I will lose the person I am and have become because I am starting to really like her.
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