I have taken several days to try and write this one. I’ve had to stop after a bit each time. I truly hope writing this deletes both of them from my nightmare playlist! I really hope it can let a certain someone know that I truly am sorry for covering and standing by my abuser. Both of these events my abuser was drunk which NEVER is an excuse! Sadly the abuse did not end when he stopped drinking. The physical didn’t happen too many times once he got sober, but that’s when the mental and verbal got a whole hell of a lot worse. I will say the verbal abuse was 100 times worse than any physical abuse by far. This 1st event was both mental and physical. It was the one that made me feel so ashamed of myself, my body and felt NO ONE would ever be with me because I am not worth loving. I did think I was going to leave him after this. That night I was determined not to talk to him or answer his calls. That lasted 8hrs! Before I go into it....I do want to say MOST days, I do know my worth. I know I am an adorable, beautiful, hilarious, loyal, overly honest, smart and a not-quite-midget-status short woman. I am an amazing mom, daughter, sister, friend and teammate! Are there days I CAN’T put enough make up on to hide the ugly I see in the mirror, wear the right clothes to hide my mom bod or just can’t stop hearing the nasty names I’ve been called.....hell yes there are days like that!! They are becoming less and less frequent and that is all I can ask for.
I can remember this 1st event clear as day! I can still hear everything in his tone and voice. I can still feel everything I felt just as if it were happening again. We had a softball buddy living with us at the time. He had heard and witnessed some of the abuse. He was an amazing support for me and did try talking me into leaving many times. Our relationship has been broken since these 2 events. It kills me because we had known each other long before I knew my abuser. Maybe one day we will repair our friendship, but I totally understand why he does not want anything to do with me. We do see each other at ball and we are superficial. It sucks bc all I want to do is hug him and be back to our laughing and joking selves. It started with us all having fun in the garage. The 3 of us were laughing and joking. Our neighbor across the street mentioned bonfiring later that night. I went inside the house to change laundry. When I came back out to the garage, my abuser’s mood had switched like someone turned the light switch in him. He was edgy and snappy. Our buddy/roommate went inside bc he knew when it was time to just avoid my abuser. I tried the norm I got used to by talking about something we agreed upon to switch his mood. Usually never worked sober or drunk with him, but I gave it a try. He just got mad. Started calling me a whore, a pig, a bitch and a cunt. That’s when I went into the house. Again taking advice from his mom who I love dearly...I went upto bed to just ignore him. For the next hour he would text me telling me what a bad girlfriend I was and more name calling. I could hear him come in and out of the house periodically, when he would come in to take a shot of liquor(I can assume from the noises). During the times he would come into the house he would talk to himself, but intended for me to hear the horrible things he was mumbling about me. I just ignored him. I pulled the blanket up over my head and pretended I was sleeping when I heard him come up the stairs after that hour of in and out of the house. I prayed it meant he was ready to pass out. He came in turned on the light yelling at me to get the fuck out of the bed. I laid there stiff hoping he would just leave me be thinking I was asleep. He finally said, “If you don’t get your dumb ass out of bed, I am going to piss on you!” I thought no way!!! I kept pretending to sleep! Next thing I knew the blankets were torn off me and I was getting pee’d on. My face, tank top, arms, shorts and legs. Our roommate heard it all, so he came running in. He grabbed me and either carried me or walked me to my daughter’s bedroom...I don’t remember bc I believe I just zoned out or was in shock. He then stood in the doorway keeping my abuser out. He also used my phone to call my abuser’s mom to tell her to come get her son. The next thing I remember is I’m sitting on my daughter’s floor rocking back and forth saying repeatedly...”he pissed on me!” It felt like I wasn’t in my body and I couldn’t see anything, but could hear people yelling and talking. I could hear our roommate and my abuser arguing. I heard my abuser’s mom come into the house and my abuser tell her, “I fucking hate you!” She replied,”Get in my fucking car! I don’t like you very much right now either!” I remember her coming in the room and saying, “Oh no sweetie. I am so sorry!” Not sure how long I sat there. My roommate eventually helped me get into the shower. I remember standing in it for what seemed like 2 days. I scrubbed my whole body so hard I had scratch marks for days. I just wanted to die. The only thing I kept thinking about were my 3 kids. Many nights they were the only things that got me thru. I put on clothes and put on a brave face and went to the bonfire across the street. Seems crazy yes, but my roommate talked me into it. My neighbors, my roommate and my other buddy who was there the 1st time my abuser put hands on me were sitting there waiting for me. They ALL tried talking me into kicking my abuser out. Told me amazing things about myself and how I deserve better. I started to believe them. It only lasted 8hrs! The abuser called and I ignored his numerous calls. He texted how sorry he was and he needs stop drinking....same shit every time and I fell for it!! He talked me into going where he was on a lake. We sat and talked then went jet skiing for a little while. I let him come back home with me. I used to get so angry with myself for allowing that behavior and letting him think it was ok to disrespect me like that. I have forgiven myself and have forgiven him. I am free from him. He is stuck with himself and all of his past haunting him each and every day. He will never be free from himself.
The other event happened a few weeks after the one I just mentioned. Again he had been drinking. There was a lot of degrading and name calling coming from my abuser. Our roommate was downstairs in his room. He had come up once to check on me and I told him it was ok. My abuser sat out in the garage for about an hour while I watched TV hoping he would drink himself to puking which 90% of drunk nights he would end up puking. Sometimes after he physically had abused me and then I turned around and took care of him. He would yell my name while moaning from pain bc he had alcohol poisoning. I would get him water and a barf bucket. I would clean him up and the floor or bed. Yuck I know! I was a woman I never thought I would become. Anyways, he came into the house yelling about something I still do not know what. Most times he didn’t make sense on why he was angry. I told him to knock it off and go to bed. He threw a pop can at me. I had pop in my hair and all over my shirt. I got up to go to the kitchen and clean up myself. He grabbed my arm and I pulled it away. He shoved me and I fell to the floor. I got up and started to run downstairs to head out garage and just go down the block away from him. He grabbed my hair and pulled me back. I started screaming for our roommate! I got punched in my side 2 times. I couldn’t breathe or scream. He then started to choke me over a desk and our roommate came up and grabbed him off me. I tried to catch my breath. He got our roommate spun around over the back of couch then started punching him in the head. I ran to garage to call his mom, but she didn’t answer. I went back in and my abuser had taken his belt and started whipping our roommate with it. I couldn’t yell because nothing came out of my mouth. I grabbed him off our roommate and the roommate said he was going to call the police. My abuser looked at me and said, “ You better take me somewhere now!” Yes I took him. We drove around forever it seemed. My phone rang and it was the police. They asked me if they could speak to my abuser. I handed him the phone and he told the police the roommate attacked him. He handed me the phone and my abuser put it on speaker to hear everything and giving me that look of do not tell him anything. I was asked what I saw. I said I didn’t see what happened. Our roommate ended up going to ER. I do not know what the injuries were as we didn’t really talk much from there about that. No charges were made. Roommate obviously moved out right away. I stuck up for my abuser when anyone asked. I lied for him and if anyone knows me I am overly honest, so to this day it haunts me. The roommate did try reaching out to me 1 time telling me I was so manipulated asking when will I see that he breaks his promises over and over about no more abuse and drinking. I just stuck up for my abuser once again. So to our roommate, I am so sorry and there are not enough words to express it! I should never have yelled for you to come help me and regret that more than you can imagine! Please know your words during the times you were in my life did stay with me and your support was appreciated more than you will ever know.