It seems silly that words can really hurt worse than the punches, kicks, choking, bruises, scratches, cuts, bumps and body aches I endured too many times to count. The thing about verbal abuse is it never goes away or disappears like injuries. For me, every time I got verbally attacked it felt worse each time. No matter if it was 1 name or 20, it felt like he listed off all the horrible things he ever said to me all at once. They all swirled in my head repeatedly even if he called me just 1 name. Verbal abuse stays with you daily. You start seeing a stranger in the reflection of a mirror. You start believing you are those things. You start to only see those things in you! You are in a constant inner battle arguing with yourself on wether he really meant those things or not. You become self conscious about your body you once were confident in and even worry when having sex what he is thinking about you in that moment. You lay in bed most nights, even a day without abuse, sorting thru all the names or degrading things he has said wondering how he could say those things. You even start questioning when he says something sweet bc how can he think that when he says all these horrible things a day earlier. I’m still effected bc when I do receive compliments or told sweet things even today, I sometimes have questioned wether it is bullshit, just fake to charm me or its real and heartfelt. I have made a promise to myself to not question everything any man says or does if I allow him into my life. I do trust there are real honest men who do truly mean the amazing things they say and won’t turn into a monster once I let my guard down. I do know I have an amazing group of people in my life who will be looking out for me and looking for the red flags just as much, if not more, than I will be! They also remind me to trust and not over think! You all know who you are wether family or friends. I love you more than any blog can express!
I also need to be honest and admit my abuser’s words still have an effect on me even today. He does not have the same effect as before, but sadly it still stings. I have recently been told by many people he is aware of my blogs. Pretty sure he has read them as well due to his words to people. I was afraid of the day he found out, but was ready for it. I thought he would react 1 of 2 ways....#1. Leave me be with no reaction bc he knows he has lost any control he once had over me, avoid talking about the details of the blogs with the people who actually witnessed the abuse or aftermath of abuse bc he knows they know the facts and play victim to anyone who will listen that wasn’t involved in the truth of the events -OR- #2. Attack me verbally or physically. Well he chose #1. A true Narcissist will always find a way to play victim in any scenario. When I met him, he played victim to his exes before me. He had many prior domestics on his record and like I said he is really good at charming you. I believed they were the crazy ones. Even after the 1st abuse, I believed I was different and each time was the last time he would do any type of abuse. For him to tell people I am over-dramatizing, lying, giving false information or stretching the truth is his LAST attempt to verbally attack me. He feels the need to say to many that I can’t say his name because of defamation. No sir sorry...I didn’t say his name bc this is MY blog. It is ME trying to heal not get revenge or sympathy. It would NOT be defamation because it is factual and I have been so careful to make sure my facts are facts when it comes to what he did or said. I have more than enough evidence to back up each blog I have written. I have gone back and reread HIS texts, looked at the pics of my injuries and listened to videos of HIM when writing my blogs. Part of my healing as well. Relive it, face it and let it go! MY feelings during events are MY feelings and not overly dramatic! I truly wish the things I have written were over-dramatized or lies!!! It was hard to go public about being abused and staying with my abuser for almost 7 years! It was even harder writing about certain events knowing people would read it. I never wanted my kids or parents to read I was pissed on by a man I loved and stood by for years! I never wanted my kids or parents to know my 6 month concussion was caused by the hands of the man I loved! I can’t make that shit up!!! It was the unthinkable until it happened to me. I could prove HIM wrong by posting texts from him admitting ALL the nasty things he did to me, the pictures of my cuts, bruises, choke marks and scratches, videos of him coming at me before phone got dropped, videos of hearing him hurt me and/or verbally abuse me, copies of the numerous police calls to our address and the reasons why neighbors called them(got the print outs) or the ER visits paperwork matching texts from my abuser admitting he did those injuries on those different dates. See after any event we didn’t talk in person many times. We would most times be in the same house, but always texted afterwards bc I would be in bed crying and he would be in garage smoking or in living room playing video games. Texts consisted of me saying how I felt and I can’t do this anymore and his response of trying to turn it on me, why he did those things or said those things. Then, him charming me back with fake apologies. I saved them all!!! There seriously were nights I believed he would end up killing me and I wanted my family to know the truth. So me keeping all the pictures, texts and videos made me feel like if something did happen they would see them once the police started digging into everything. I even started a journal in my email a few years ago and saved it in drafts letting my family know if something happened to me he was behind it and look in my google photos for a folder named ”A” which was for the word abuse. After hearing about him the past week from others, I realized his mental & verbal abuse still effects me. Why should I care that he is denying any of it? I know that’s what a Narcissist does. Once again I had too much faith in him and believed I was different from his exes and he would own up and not use excuses or try and play victim. I felt I needed him to show some kind of love or care that he caused this much pain to someone who loved and supported him unconditionally and was only person to stay true and loyal to him from day 1 all the way to the end. I now know I don’t need anything from him! A few days after the 1st person let me know he knew about my blogs and what he was saying, I had a tough day. I avoided mirrors. All I kept hearing in my head all day and night in his actual voice were the names he called me while he was drunk, high AND/OR sober!!! I was numb, sad and nauseous. I felt fat, ugly, disgusting and just wanted to crawl into bed and stay there until his voice went away. The more I tried to read or watch tv to take my mind off it, the louder his voice got in my head. Whore, cunt, bitch, dirty whore, nasty ass, dumb ass, dumb bitch, drama queen, pathetic female, psycho, crazy bitch, I hate you, I don’t love you, you are disgusting, lunatic, stupid, idiot, pig, you are worse than my ex, I‘ll kill you, bitch I will burn you, I will piss on you, you are so pathetic, jealous bitch, slut, you have mental issues, you need help, you are too insecure, weak ass female.....there are more, but those were the main ones bothering me this week. Ok, I can admit I can be a bitch from time to time, but not the extra adjectives he loved to attach in front or behind bitch. Once he knew a certain name or degrading statement bothered me, he used it more frequently. I talked myself into believing during his drinking days that he didn’t mean it. He’s just drunk and saying things to hurt me bc he is drunk. Then when he got sober and still said those things over and over for the almost 3yrs sober....it hurt worse. He actually meant them or he wouldn’t be able to say that sober. Then, he would find a way to make me believe I deserved the name calling or he convinced me he only said it bc he was angry and wanted to hurt me bc I had hurt him. He was so good at breaking me down to nothing then building me back up to be my hero. I’d get random flowers with the most loving note out of the blue every few months. He even bought me flowers during him cheating and now it makes sense why he untagged himself from my post on FB. He claimed he didn’t want his work to know he left work early to get me flowers, but really he didn’t want her to see the amazing note he wrote me. I would get numerous sweet and what seemed loving messages a day. How he was the luckiest man to have me in his life, I am the most beautiful woman to him, how he misses me so much just hours after leaving me to go to work, so many I loves you’s and calling me baby or sexy. I even got made fun of at work when my coworkers would see the amazing texts on my screen that he would send even upto 2 days before we broke up! So I now know it was all BS!! He was sending me those amazing texts all day EVERY day even during the months he was banging his coworker in her car in the work parking lot. He would even text me moments after he got off her saying he was leaving work and couldn’t wait to get home to me and he loves me so much! BARF!!! The one thing that replays in my mind is one of his last attempts at mentally abusing me after the last time we tried to get back together. He realized I wasn’t putting in effort, I wasn’t into him like I used to be, I wasn’t ready to commit to him, so he panicked and ran back to car slut. To hurt me, he told me he was going to start trying to have a baby with her to spite me once her IUD came out in near future. I was crushed even though I didn’t want to be with him. He knew...heck most people knew I wanted another baby and with him. He was the reason we never did. He didn’t want to start over, our kids were all grown and almost out of the house and he wanted to be able to keep doing what he wanted like softball as many nights a week and weekends and going off fishing whenever he wanted. In my mind, it wasn’t starting over and softball players and fishermen have babies and kids. You make it work. Why do I care if he has a baby with anyone. I know what kind of father he was and still is. It shouldn’t effect me because I can still have a baby if that is truly what I want. This week feeling yucky and reliving the verbal & mental abuse from the 6+yrs made me realize I still have triggers. Good news is it is only when he has reached out aggressively to me or someone has told me what he has said. I was scared I was too damaged to even attempt moving on. I have found, I do have trust in people which I feared I wouldn’t be able to. I am upset with myself that hearing he is playing victim angered me. I felt how dare he play victim or try to say I lied when he knows he did those things! I wanted to put all the evidence out there, but calmed down and realized he was winning again. I feel if anyone doubts me they are not anyone I want in my life! If someone wants to see the stuff, they can come and ask. Clearly, I have nothing to hide after exposing the most unthinkable days of my life. I am mad I allowed myself to relive how it felt every time he abused me. To hear the past verbal abuse all in his actual voice and not be able to hear anything, but his voice for a day makes me feel I took 2 steps back this week. BUT, knowing I am stronger and WILL NEVER take him back no matter how charming or persuasive he would try to be, I know I am not those things he called me, I didn’t let it effect me more than a day and I can confidently say I will NEVER let another man treat me that way again.....I take those 2 steps back, but jump ahead 4 steps.