Why I am becoming a blogger!
**Disclaimer: I may not always use perfect grammar or say things PC. I am going to be honest and raw. You do not need to read it, so please do not use it against me because YOU chose to read it!
I want to begin by saying I am not writing to offend or hurt anyone!! I am not seeking revenge!! I am not asking people to take sides. I am writing to finish my journey to healing. If by doing this helps another person...even just 1 person...BEAUTIFUL!! If by doing this, I lose friends or people who claimed to be friends...THEIR loss!! I do not need anyone in my life that condones, is okay with what I have been through, thinks I need to be silent & keep my feelings inside and just deal with it on my own!! I am tired of hearing..."just get over it", "grow up", "it's your fault", "you are a drama queen", "you do not remember it right", "stop trying to get attention", "no one will believe you anyway" or "you are over dramatizing it!"
To many, my life always seemed like it was well put together and that I was happy and loving my life. Those who have known me for a long time have seen me slowly lose my quirky, fun, free spirited self. Some would ask and I would deny deny deny. I hid my unhappiness and hell from most of my loved ones.....even my kids. I put on a good show for awhile! I lost friends who witnessed or were aware of what was going on because I kept staying and covering for him. They couldn't stand by and watch me slowly die inside or worse! I have started to mend those fences. Yes, I was physically and verbally abused for many years. It was something I lied and hid for many years. I had to make up stories for ALL the bruises, scratches, choke marks, cuts, concussions, holes in the walls & doors all over our house and many broken phones. There were MANY police visits to our house because neighbors called them after hearing it, seeing it happen in our driveway or seeing it thru a window. I sent the police away EVERY time! The police were not stupid and could see I had been crying and had injuries, They tried their best to get me to let them in or go with them each time. I do regret not being honest at least 1 time with the police or the doctors at 1 of my ER visits. Maybe I would have healed faster, maybe I would have gotten out faster and had less heartbreak, but probably not. I loved this man with all my heart, soul and mind! I was ashamed and embarrassed to admit the truth to anyone. Some people say you are strong to have left him! You survived! Sadly, I didn't leave him. He cheated for several months many times a week with a coworker in her car in their work parking lot. He would then come home to bed with me like nothing had happened. He didn't even flinch having her germs all over his body. He left me and I was broken. Even with all the abuse and cheating...I still needed him! I believed I could not be happy without him, I would never find someone to love me, I thought if I hadn't gained weight he would still be with me and if i wasn't aging he would still find me attractive! For the 1st month, I was a zombie! I had panic attacks, didn't eat....solved the gaining weight issue, paced for hours, cried for hours and didn't sleep! My kids, parents, sisters and BEST friends took care of me! If it meant covering for me at work while I paced all over the place trying not to cry, crying in a corner hiding from our students, pacing at home for hours while they sat on my couch just to be there so I wasn't alone, holding me for hours while I just cried in their arms, snuggling me at night so I wasn't sleeping alone, doing my hair and make up, making me get out for drinks & apps or having game night to cheer me up..... they did it it with nothing asked in return! Few months after the break up, I was getting stronger and found myself again! He came back begging for another chance 2 different times within the 5 months of the break up. It did not work out either time! Each time I would get stronger, realize he will never change, stopped tolerating his Narcissism and he couldn't handle all that. The last time...I thought we could be civil and even friends. The verbal abuse was still his tactic because he was unhappy with HIS choices and outcomes! Even being just friends or just civil people trying to divide material things, he could not stop the verbal attacks! I finally realized we will not be able to be friends because he will never be happy that I am happy without him! He blames me for all his fails and short comings. He blames me for what others say about him because of his actions and behaviors. He blames me for his issues in his relationship with his coworker he cheated on me with. So here I am today, still suffering from the effects of all the abuse. It has and will probably always have a factor in any relationships I will have. I will be writing in more detail of each event that sticks out in my mind starting from beginning of the relationship. It could be weekly or every few days....it will be as often as I can handle reliving each event. To write about them is supposed to help me heal and have closure. I have tried many things to get closure and heal fully! If this works, it is worth trying no matter the backlash I may get! Thanks for taking time to read my story today whether you want to be in my life still or not. You took the time and I thank you. If you have been through something similar or still in a toxic situation, reach out because I would love to be a support or outlet for you!