It’s been awhile again. Guess that means life has been busy and good. I gotta say life has been pretty great actually. I finally feel I am where I am supposed to be at the right exact time. Haven’t had that feeling in over 15 years when Eli was born. Honestly, I think the only times I’ve felt that was when my 3 amazing kids were born. Those 3 days nothing else mattered! Then, the rest of the days got clouded with toxic people wether it was who I was in a relationship with, a crazy aunt or fake friends. Seems I attracted that back then. I have come to realize my empathy is why. I would allow people to get away with the most horrific things. Yes, I would be mad and react, but I always gave in at some point allowing them all to continue to be toxic. I should be clear before people assume…my kids’ father was not toxic. We had rough times, but he is not who I talk about ever. We actually are on great terms and co-parenting respectfully! We even have dinners and/or game nights with the kids and everyone gets along. Life is so much better without toxicity! It really is! My family has been beyond amazing and supportive. They keep me laughing especially my kids, my sister and Mittens. My love for my kids is unmeasurable and our bond is unbreakable. I seriously have the best guy friends any girl could ask for. They are my protectors. My female besties keep me sane and don’t let me get down on myself. They also stop me from running from good things in my life.
I have always admitted I’m not perfect. I’m not and I know it. I will have my good and bad days! I still see a different person in the mirror that my abuser created in my head, but those days are getting less. I still have days I try on 15 different outfits because they all look horrible on me even when others tell me I look great in them. I know I will have set backs, but my come backs will be epic. I had a set back when car slut’s close friend reached out to me giving me a heads up that car slut and my abuser blame me for a few things. Car slut reached out to me as well and she was not pleasant showing just what kind of human she really is. I did stoop down to her level and messaged her back then stopped because I realized I know the truth. The people who matter in my life know the truth and that my abuser and car slut’s very recent STD issue has nothing to do with me over 1.5yrs later or her damaged car just shows one or both of them are cheating and have enemies which has nothing to do with me. I don’t like to be lied about. My abuser knows lies are my #1 thing. So here we are 19 months later and he is still trying to cause chaos in my life with lies. The lies about me bothered me, but knowing my truth and having strong supporters reminding me misery loves company, has me not willing to be their company any longer. I went into World Series that next week with no thoughts of them and that is an epic come back!
Onto the main reason of this blog! NAGAAA World Series! I had an amazing time. Last World Series, I was with my abuser and it was miserable. He was disrespectful to me and his teammates. He didn’t want to watch other teams and was just negative the whole week. It also was the time I started to pull away from him finally. I started to see him for the person he really was. I have always loved softball and he was sucking the fun out of something I loved long before he was in my life! I stopped worrying about his feelings and put mine first. I always had been the one to run back after we fought. I didn’t anymore from then on. He started to feel it and that’s why car slut was his quick “I need a woman before Dina leaves me“ fall girl. He even said he felt I stopped caring or showing him appreciation and that was part of his excuse for cheating. I’m good with that now. After WS this year, I realized I really was the one done with him that Oct before he started cheating a month later. I’m proud of myself. Just wish I saw it, understood it back then and left him in Oct. I was so hurt we broke up because I was scared of facing the abuse and afraid of being alone. It wasn’t because I was afraid of losing him or I couldn’t live without him. I know that now. He always told me I was disgusting and had 3 kids no one else would want me. Well I found that to not be true! I have had many guys tell me I’m beautiful and want to date me and all my baggage. Sadly, I have probably let go of some amazing men because I wasn’t ready for real love or a real man. I am totally ready now. I thought that I was a few times, but I know I am now. Being at World Series and with the amazing MN teams who are truly family, was pure amazing! It helped me know I’m ready to love again and not be scared because I have so many amazing people in my life who are in successful healthy relationships. I also got to watch all the MN teams and LA Rebels play when Ice wasn’t playing. I was there literally all morning, day and part of the evening all week! To go out at night with my softball family and just have fun and laugh was incredible! I had the best softball experience of my life in Columbus! My road trippin buddies were the best. The 12hr ride there and back went so fast with all the singing, car dancing, overdue bathroom breaks, gagging from someone farting, great talks and laughs. My roomies for the week took such great care of me and were so amazing! They are now family and some of my fave men! The comraderie of the MN teams this year made my heart swell. The support and love was just crazy! We finished 12th out of 58 teams. Wasn’t what we wanted, but next year we will do even better. My MN Ice team amazed me and played their hardest and made a good run Friday. We just fell short in the end. Traveling and spending a whole week with some of my best friends was the best part. Watching them play and play some of their best ball was truly the best parts! My ride or die girl was the best person to travel with. She was a beast on the field and I’m so proud of her! We had no sleep some days, but still rallied the next day. I swear every straight guy there tried talking to us and either thought we were a couple, sisters or mother/daughter. It felt great being crushed on, but that’s not what I’m looking for! I am looking for loyalty, honesty, someone who can handle my goofy silliness and can be goofy with me, affectionate, respectful, love my kids and give me butterflies. Maybe I have found it and maybe that is why I mostly behaved in Columbus. All I know is my face hurts from smiling, my belly hurts from laughing and I feel special to someone. I only smile now when I think of my future. It’s pretty damn great! I have the best people possible in my life at this moment. I am right where I need to be at the right time……finally!